A little over a year ago, HubStarr and I decided to pursue adoption through the foster care system. The training and conversations leading up to our licensing were emotional and difficult. We were terrified of having a child placed with us who didn’t love us or who had too many emotional issues for us to be able to reach emotionally. We chose to limit our placement to one child under the age of two. We felt this was the safest way to protect our hearts and home.
On May 17, we welcomed the most precious boy to our home. He was just under 10 months old. The first week was difficult for our long-time family of two to adapt to. We were overjoyed, terrified, and wondering if we had done the right thing for us. My heart was all-in the moment I laid eyes on Baby M. He was mine. It only took a few days for him to wrap HubStarr around ALL his tiny little fingers. It only took a week for us to learn that his paperwork wasn’t accurate, and that his biological mother was still working on reintegrating him, his two sisters, and his baby niece back into her home.
We recovered from the shock and devastation of learning we could still likely lose our sweet boy. We already loved him. He called us Momma and Daddy before we’d even hit that one week mark. He was ours in our hearts. He will always be ours in our hearts.
HubStarr kept remarking how close Baby M seemed to be to his 11-year-old sister. He saw their attachment when transportation came to pick him up from our home to go to visitation. She was always in the car. We learned she lived close to us, and we decided they should spend more time together. We asked for and received permission to take her with us on a family outing.
That day changed our hearts. We saw them together. We saw their love. The entire day I fought tears knowing they belonged in the same home. Too bad two kids was too many kids. Too bad an 11-year-old would probably never love us or want us. The instant she got out of the car, I said to HubStarr, “I know you think two is too many. I know 11 is too old.” He responded, “I think my mind could be changed.” Minutes later we received a text from HubStarr’s mom, who had also been with us. “We had a great day. [Sis] is a great girl. Like you need another kid.”
We spoke with the social workers. If, in the end, we were allowed to adopt Baby M, we wanted to adopt Sis, too. We weren’t interested in having her before we knew for sure. Our hearts couldn’t handle one loss. They certainly would never recover from the loss of two beautiful children.
Sis came to visit again for Baby M’s first birthday. We had family pictures. We went to the zoo. She spent the night with us. Her case worker asked if we would be interested in having her live with us, too. Nope. Sorry. We can’t handle the loss of two. When she left with my sister to go back to her home following Baby M’s birthday party, I cried.
Sis belonged with us. We knew it in our hearts. I talked to the friend whose encouragement and years of support had brought us to this place. We wanted to wait until court. We needed certainty. She said, “If Baby M goes home, your hearts will be broken. They won’t be broken more with the loss of Sis, too. Two weeks is no shelter from heartbreak. Bring her home.” HubStarr agreed. Let’s bring her home.
Sis came to our home on August 15. She is kind, smart, compassionate, and hilarious. She is nothing like the rebellious 11 year olds we were so afraid of. Earning her trust and love has been harder than it was with Baby M. She knows her choices. She knows her heart. She knows her mom. Day by day, we love her with all we have so she knows there will only ever be one other family she might live with. We won’t let her go to another family, if we can help it. With everything we have, we will do what we can to make sure we are her last home, or her mom is her last home.
We’re trying not to think too much of the future now as we look two months down the road to a court date that could send our babes to their other home. We pray that if they leave this home, they will never have to live with another family again. We pray that the court system and their mom agree to move them back if and when it is forever right. We’re doing our best to live every day like we aren’t on a countdown. To just keep moving forward.
Today, Baby M and Sis are ours. Today, they are our last and only chance to be parents. Today, we know that no matter what happens, we will do our best to always be a huge part of their lives. Today, our entire extended family and our friends love these babes like they’ve always been ours and always will be. Today, our marriage is better for them. Today, I see what I always knew to be true – that one of the very best things about being a mom is seeing HubStarr be the most amazing dad. Someday in the future, we may have to remember that, though our hearts feel broken, that they were made different and better and bigger by loving these two precious babes.
Walk With Me 